Sunday, 30 March 2014
Sunday, 23 March 2014
Chelsea 6 Arsenal 0
Chelsea 3-0 up in twenty minutes. Everything they touch turns to goals.
Bad mistake by Andre Marriner. He's off the Christmas Card list of Arsene Wenger, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain AND Kieran Gibbs
So Oxlade-Chamberlain handles the ball, and Gibbs gets sent off. What I've learnt from this incident is that Andre Marriner can't handle the Premier League.
"Andre Marriner (and his team) had a terrible day" This is not news. I called him the worst ref in league 2 back in 2004/5 after his second ever league game - Mansfield v Leyton Orient.
If Andre Marriner can't tell difference between Oxlade-Chamberlain & Gibbs, we should see how he likes it, start calling him Chris Foy or Mark Clattenburg.
Knowing Andre Marriner, if he planned to go to Specsavers, he'd actually turn up at Vision Express instead
Coming soon Andre Marriner's 100 Worst Refereeing Decisions' 2004-2014 presented by Jimmy Carr
Good thing Wenger has another 1,000 games to sort his defence out, and finally get that win against Mourinho #unsackable
Cardiff 3 Liverpool 6
2-2 at half-time but Liverpool run riot in second half. Everything they touch turns to goals.
A Suarez hat-trick, plus 2 from Skrytl and one from Sturridge.
Suarez has 28 from 30 league games - the most EVER in the Premier League after 30 games. If he can keep this up, and not get banned for bitting anyone he could break the all-time season record.
So hows that 'sack Malkay Mackay and bring in Ole Gunnar Scholskar' turning out for Vincent Tann?
Man City 5 Fulham 0
Congratulations to Fulham, 3 managers, 2 coaches, a partridge in a pear-tree and the first team to be relegated from the Premier League.
Four for Man City in the second half. Everything they touch turns to goals.
Neither Liverpool, Man City or Chelsea will admit they're favourites for the Premier League, so that makes Arsenal odd-on by default
Everton 3 Swansea 2
Has anyone noticed how you never see Gary Monk #swansea and Ricky Wilson #TheVoiceUK in the same room?
12 penalties out of 12 for Leighton Baines in the Premier League. Can he take all five for England in the World Cup this summer? Is it too late to sign to nationalise Yaya Toure?
Has Angel Rangel ever met Gary and Phil Neville's brother Evill Neville?
Hull CIty 2 West Brom 0
So West Brom should never have sold their main striker to Hull in the transfer window, is about the long and the short of it
Newcassle' 1 Crystal Palace 0 (Papa Cisse 90+4)
Papa Cisse, Pardew & Carver, Crystal Palace, hmmm hmmm mmmm, you've gotta have a system...
Is Alan Pardew stadium ban just for Newcassle matches, or can he scout other teams?
He could have gone to Exeter v Fleetwood at the other St James Park.
And oddly enough, Fleetwood play at (the other) Highbury.
Norwich 2 Sunderland 0
Important goal from Snodgrass for Norwich against Sunderland. Lucky for him rejecting Orient back in 2007/8 didn't affect his career
West Ham 0 Man United 2
'Rooney lobs Adrian from the half-way line' doesn't sound as impressive as 'Nayim lobs Seaman' About par with 'Beckham lobs Sullivan'
Last night #MOTD asked which goal from half-way line was better, Beckham or Rooney. No mention of Dean Cox at Walsall?! (last season)
Great assist from noble for Rooney's second goal. Rooney on 300k a week, Noble not even on the payroll. Just good ole' east end hospitality
Russel Brand on Match of The Day? Not a lot of people know, but he used to edit a west ham fanzine called 'I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles Wubbles'
Russel Brand brought in to analyse on the Rooney v Beckham half-way line goals for his authority on hair styles and cuts.
Tottenham 3 Southampton 2
Tottenham recover from 2 down to beat Southampton 3-2. After the match Sherwood told press 'anything MK Dons can do, we can do better
Tottenham trailing 0-2, so Tim Sherwood comes down to the bench from his seat in the stands to sort mess out. And make Pardew jealous
Its now Tottenham Desmond Southampton Tutu. Tim has gone back to his seat in the stand. Doesn't know whether he's coming or going
Tottenham (English coach) 3 Southampton (English players) 2
well if Levy does give Sherwood the push, he deserves a role with Hodgson.
Christian Eriksen revealed manager Tim Sherwood's half-time team talk inspired Spurs to a 3-2 victory over Southampton "Never on the football field of human conflict'...
Tottenham are the zen masters of the Premier League, zero goal difference. Man City are +49, Fulham are minus 40
Are the new fixtures out yet - When is Tim's 1,000th match in charge of #thfc? Is it the early kick-off against Chelsea at the Bridge?
Aston Villa 1 Stoke City 4
bit of a shock result after Villa beat Chelsea last week, mind you they were without Chris Foy today
Mark Hughes says Peter Crouch should get recall to England squad. To be fair he needs a transfer to Southampton to be in with a shout
Aston Villa raise their game against top 4, but fail against lower or same level teams. The exact opposite of Arsenal & Tottenham
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
It's so tough down at the bottom of the Premier League, there are actually six teams in the bottom three.
Hull 0 Man City 2
Good goal from David De Silva, returning from his winter mid season goal break.
Gold medal for Silva?
Who keeps Kompany company during his (presumably) three match ban?.
I suppose he could hang out with Alan Pardew..
Aston Villa 1 Chelsea 0
Willian sent off. He had to leave early anyway, to get back for #thevoiceuk battle rounds on BBC1.
Fabulous finish fabian!
Delightful dribbling Delph!
Mourinho has blamed Chris Foy for defeat and the two sendings-off. He said Foy should give up refereeing and stick to the Olympic Cycling.
Mourinho Willian and Eamires all sent off.
So now we know who keeps Kompany company. Along with pardew.
Swansea 1 West Bromwich 2
If Swansea AND Cardiff get relegated, The Welsh Premier League will be REALLY interesting next season.
Savage summarising tonight. Well the BBC will insist on employing Robbie.
Well done WBA under pressure manager Pepe Mel on win at Swansea. Still looking for first win in England though.
Everton 2 Cardiff 1
Inspired goalkeeping from Marshall for Cardiff. Marshall marshalling the troops. Or not as case may be, in 90th minute.
"That's the margins innit?" Nice bit of cockney from olly gunnar... I thought he was from Manchester?
Southampton (aka England B) 4 Norwich 2
Roy Hodgson gave four Saints players their England debut this season. He's waiting for the saints job full time. He might be better sending Delia his cv
How comes the Saints manager has a translator, but none for Rickie Lambert?
Stoke 3 West Ham 1
"a welcome mid-table look to the match between stoke and west ham" Try telling the fans that gary.
Early goal for Andy Carroll, still trying to force his way into the England squad for the permanently injured spot.
That Odemwingie goal/tap-in was worth driving all the way from QPR for.
And Odemwingie's second was worth driving through the night for.
Fulham 1 Newcassle' 0
I thought Alan Pardew might go shopping in harrods during the Fulham v Newcastle match
Cruel for krul.
Felix Magath's new glasses made a winning debut today. Hard to see a way back for the old glasses. Lasted even less than rene rene.
Sunderland 0 Crystal Palace 0
He's hit the woodwork! A normal night out in sunderland, to be fair
The only Premier League game of the weekend to finish goalless. Actually kicked off 3pm saturday and were still playing sunday morning without troubling the scorers.
Manchester Disunited 0 Liverpool 3
Two out of three penalties scored by Gerrard. Two out of three ain't bad.
Gerrard unlucky not to follow in footsteps of Jan Molby and score a hat-trick of penalties. Still time for a drink driving jail sentence tho..
Things are getting so bad for Manchester United, rumours are that the Glazers will sell to Vincent Tann and change to a blue kit
After 2-2 draw with Fulham on 9th Feb, Moyes said that was as bad as it gets. He was wrong... Olympiakos and then Liverpool.
Rooney said defeat at home to Liverpool one of his worst days in football. Well, second only to signing that new contract maybe..
Liverpool normally rely on the SAS to get the goals. Today they stepped up/on the GAS.
United were in reverse and showing a bad SAG.
Who'd have thought when the Grumpy Old Scot left, United would fall apart. They need to sign Troy or Dynamo, to bring back the magic.
NORTH LONDON DERBY
Tottenham 0 Arsenal 1
I think spurs are missing the 'el' inbetween the hp on their shirts
I heard Theo has taken an extra big wallet today to catch all the coins.
On the plus side for spurs if they keep 75% possession for rest of game they can restrict arsenal to 1-0
BREAKING NEWS: Jermain Defoe has scored twice on his debut in the North Canadian Derby.
Fa cup 3rd round v spurs. Facup 5th rd v Orient at Brisbane Road
Tim Sherwood's been a manager for 5 minutes, already showing the anger management issues of Alan Pardew. Fast learner.
Tim should be careful though, throwing balls at players. He hasn't got the security of an 8 year contract like Pardew #spursdaynights
Tottenham need another £100m rebuild in the summer.
Gary Lineker better forget Sports Relief and start #Spursrelief
Don't forget... You saw them first on twitter!
Saturday, 18 May 2013
congratulations to Bradford City 3-0 up and on their way to winning the
#eurovision song content
and now the
#eurovision2013 opening ceremony by Danny Boyle. Minus Beckham, Bond and the Queen. #eurovision
introduced by 'pietra merde' the swedish sarah silverman
#eurovision or is it tina fey...
Or lucy porteror nina conti
'je ne sai qua pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa'
01 #France its the french Lady Gaga aka Lady FraFra
#eurovision "I'm in love with you - because of my shoes" CATCHY
He has love and pain - in his shoes. Lithuania
#eurovision At least they're not on his shoulders.
Moldova Roll over.
Her dress is on fire! Is that advisable with a redhead?
04 entry 'Marry me' by Finland. Definitely not from Bruno Mars. Or any other mars bar.
04 finland - the
#eurovision blonde contest
04 Finland - Nice touch to get one of Britney Spears actual many wedding dresses via ebay
#eurovision 04 Finland KISS KISS BANG BANG.
#spain 'heffer heffer heffer heffer heffer heffer chrissy waddle heffer heffer heffer #fastshow #eurovision
#belgium LOVE KILLS. But Keegan scores on the rebound. Oops sorry wrong punchline for wrong set-up. back to the drawing board #eurovision
#Estonia 'Da spool da wool on ga na pa la eh boosa slimy stare down by ranna da saire' ITS A WINNER I THINK. #eurovision
#belarus Solero solero cornetto magnum cornetto solero - ba ba ba ba - netto Lidl heavenly waitrose, beautiful people #eurovision
#belarus 'solero solero solero tis song makes no sense - solero solero i'll sing it anyway solero solero aren't i pretty hey' #eurovision
#MALTA Good to see Frankie Dettori keeping busy while he's banned from the racecourse #eurovision
#Russia 'Together Forever We Came Together As One. Bury Our Guns' No mention of the nuclear weapons. Or the Cold War #eurovision
#Germany 'do you know its time to let yourself go. We are glorious' confident these germans - no change there then #eurovision
#Germany win #eurovision song contest 2013, next years event will be staged live at Wembley #towelsdown #dontvotegermany
#netherlands Never wins. nederlllllllllaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnzzzzzzzzzzzzzz copyright Dom Joly #eurovision
#uk #britain GO BONNY TYLER - I hope we told Europe that this is Baby Spices mum #eurovision #zigazigah
#sweden Its Justin Malmo #eurovision If you could see me now.. i just got back from the dry cleaners my whites have never been so white
#denmark last won in 2000 with the Olsen brothers. DId they have a sex change after their movie career faltered? #eurovision
#denmark its the girl from twilight. or vampire game of thrones or something like that. #eurovision
#iceland eg afram ki wo ga wof frusismendai yellow leaf yeggow leaf make s weef eg bin pooooooofff we yegga leaf #eurovision
#iceland yellow teeth yellow teeth yellow teeth yellow teeth yellow teeth yellow teeth yellow teeth #eurovision
#azerbaijan OVERLOAD OVERLOAD DOWNLOAD ocean finance smile bank give me love if its only a moment in time three rylans on my #eurovision
#greek Alcohol is free. but not in Sweden £7 a pint and that was in 2003 when i was last there. roulette tables in nightclubs #eurovision
#greece alcohol is free. hayla naquila hayla naquila hayla. dum di dum di dum dum di dum. #eurovision polla polla polla olla olla olla!
#ukraine I WAS ABOUT TO SING THIS SONG BUT THEN I GOT HIGH THEN I GOT HIGH THEN I GOT HIGH... #eurovision
#Italy soostrenio cornettto give it to me - delicious ice cream just 25p. per apprezzze sylvio berlusque-sconi schoochi coo #eurovision
#georgia WATERFALL 'we didn't waste the water it was always turning, but we stopped a fire' #eurovision always look on the bright side..
#ireland Well anything is better than Jedward. Although I preferred Dustin the turkey. #eurovision
RETWEET FOR Jean-Paul. FAVOURITE for John-Paul
#eurovision lets decide this thing ONCE AND FOR ALL
can we vote for this one? Its catchy.
#eurovision THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL loser standing sore.
uk voted 12 points for denmark because they have a red and white flag like us (reversed) heavy
#ukip vote #eurovision
its raining in germany. every cloud an' all that
i love the way europeans say uh-kraine. or is it oooh-kraine
#eurovision dee pwai
le-kraine, they're feminine now
frasier krane, they're neurotic now #eurovision
82 tweets! Signing out for now. Pictures later!
PS If they're not reading as funny, try reading them in a sarcastic voice. It helps.