Sunday, 23 March 2014

Football Funnies - March 22/23rd 2014


Chelsea 6 Arsenal 0
Chelsea 3-0 up in twenty minutes. Everything they touch turns to goals.

Bad mistake by Andre Marriner. He's off the Christmas Card list of Arsene Wenger, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain AND Kieran Gibbs

So Oxlade-Chamberlain handles the ball, and Gibbs gets sent off. What I've learnt from this incident is that Andre Marriner can't handle the Premier League.

"Andre Marriner (and his team) had a terrible day" This is not news. I called him the worst ref in league 2 back in 2004/5 after his second ever league game - Mansfield v Leyton Orient.

If Andre Marriner can't tell difference between Oxlade-Chamberlain & Gibbs, we should see how he likes it, start calling him Chris Foy or Mark Clattenburg.

Knowing Andre Marriner, if he planned to go to Specsavers, he'd actually turn up at Vision Express instead

Coming soon Andre Marriner's 100 Worst Refereeing Decisions' 2004-2014 presented by Jimmy Carr

Good thing Wenger has another 1,000 games to sort his defence out, and finally get that win against Mourinho #unsackable

Cardiff 3 Liverpool 6
2-2 at half-time but Liverpool run riot in second half. Everything they touch turns to goals.

A Suarez hat-trick, plus 2 from Skrytl and one from Sturridge.
Suarez has 28 from 30 league games - the most EVER in the Premier League after 30 games. If he can keep this up, and not get banned for bitting anyone he could break the all-time season record.

So hows that 'sack Malkay Mackay and bring in Ole Gunnar Scholskar' turning out for Vincent Tann?

Man City 5 Fulham 0 
Congratulations to Fulham, 3 managers, 2 coaches, a partridge in a pear-tree and the first team to be relegated from the Premier League.

Four for Man City in the second half. Everything they touch turns to goals.

Neither Liverpool, Man City or Chelsea will admit they're favourites for the Premier League, so that makes Arsenal odd-on by default

Everton 3 Swansea 2
Has anyone noticed how you never see Gary Monk and Ricky Wilson in the same room?

12 penalties out of 12 for Leighton Baines in the Premier League. Can he take all five for England in the World Cup this summer? Is it too late to sign to nationalise Yaya Toure?

Has Angel Rangel ever met Gary and Phil Neville's brother Evill Neville?

Hull CIty 2 West Brom 0
So West Brom should never have sold their main striker to Hull in the transfer window, is about the long and the short of it

Newcassle' 1 Crystal Palace 0 (Papa Cisse 90+4)
Papa Cisse, Pardew & Carver, Crystal Palace, hmmm hmmm mmmm, you've gotta have a system...

Is Alan Pardew stadium ban just for Newcassle matches, or can he scout other teams?
He could have gone to Exeter v Fleetwood at the other St James Park.
And oddly enough, Fleetwood play at (the other) Highbury.


Norwich 2 Sunderland 0
Important goal from Snodgrass for Norwich against Sunderland. Lucky for him rejecting Orient back in 2007/8 didn't affect his career


West Ham 0 Man United 2
'Rooney lobs Adrian from the half-way line' doesn't sound as impressive as 'Nayim lobs Seaman' About par with 'Beckham lobs Sullivan'

Last night asked which goal from half-way line was better, Beckham or Rooney. No mention of Dean Cox at Walsall?! (last season)

Great assist from noble for Rooney's second goal. Rooney on 300k a week, Noble not even on the payroll. Just good ole' east end hospitality

Russel Brand on Match of The Day? Not a lot of people know, but he used to edit a west ham fanzine called 'I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles Wubbles'

Russel Brand brought in to analyse on the Rooney v Beckham half-way line goals for his authority on hair styles and cuts.

Tottenham 3 Southampton 2
Tottenham recover from 2 down to beat Southampton 3-2. After the match Sherwood told press 'anything MK Dons can do, we can do better

Tottenham trailing 0-2, so Tim Sherwood comes down to the bench from his seat in the stands to sort mess out. And make Pardew jealous

Its now Tottenham Desmond Southampton Tutu. Tim has gone back to his seat in the stand. Doesn't know whether he's coming or going

Tottenham (English coach) 3 Southampton (English players) 2 
well if Levy does give Sherwood the push, he deserves a role with Hodgson.

Christian Eriksen revealed manager Tim Sherwood's half-time team talk inspired Spurs to a 3-2 victory over Southampton "Never on the football field of human conflict'...

Tottenham are the zen masters of the Premier League, zero goal difference. Man City are +49, Fulham are minus 40

Are the new fixtures out yet - When is Tim's 1,000th match in charge of ? Is it the early kick-off against Chelsea at the Bridge?

Aston Villa 1 Stoke City 4
bit of a shock result after Villa beat Chelsea last week, mind you they were without Chris Foy today

Mark Hughes says Peter Crouch should get recall to England squad. To be fair he needs a transfer to Southampton to be in with a shout

Aston Villa raise their game against top 4, but fail against lower or same level teams. The exact opposite of Arsenal & Tottenham





Tuesday, 18 March 2014

Football Funnies - March 15/16th 2014


It's so tough down at the bottom of the Premier League, there are actually six teams in the bottom three.

Hull 0 Man City 2
Good goal from David De Silva, returning from his winter mid season goal break.

Gold medal for Silva?

Who keeps Kompany company during his (presumably) three match ban?.
I suppose he could hang out with Alan Pardew..


Aston Villa 1 Chelsea 0
Willian sent off. He had to leave early anyway, to get back for battle rounds on BBC1.

Fabulous finish fabian!
Delightful dribbling Delph!

Mourinho has blamed Chris Foy for defeat and the two sendings-off. He said Foy should give up refereeing and stick to the Olympic Cycling.

Mourinho Willian and Eamires all sent off. 
So now we know who keeps Kompany company. Along with pardew.

Swansea 1 West Bromwich 2
If Swansea AND Cardiff get relegated, The Welsh Premier League will be REALLY interesting next season.

Savage summarising tonight. Well the BBC will insist on employing Robbie.

Well done WBA under pressure manager Pepe Mel on win at Swansea. Still looking for first win in England though.

Everton 2 Cardiff 1
Inspired goalkeeping from Marshall for Cardiff. Marshall marshalling the troops. Or not as case may be, in 90th minute.

"That's the margins innit?" Nice bit of cockney from olly gunnar... I thought he was from Manchester?

Southampton (aka England B) 4 Norwich 2
Roy Hodgson gave four Saints players their England debut this season. He's waiting for the saints job full time. He might be better sending Delia his cv

How comes the Saints manager has a translator, but none for Rickie Lambert?

Stoke 3 West Ham 1
"a welcome mid-table look to the match between stoke and west ham" Try telling the fans that gary.

Early goal for Andy Carroll, still trying to force his way into the England squad for the permanently injured spot.

That Odemwingie goal/tap-in was worth driving all the way from QPR for.

And Odemwingie's second was worth driving through the night for.

Fulham 1 Newcassle' 0
I thought Alan Pardew might go shopping in harrods during the Fulham v Newcastle match

Cruel for krul.

Felix Magath's new glasses made a winning debut today. Hard to see a way back for the old glasses. Lasted even less than rene rene.

Sunderland 0 Crystal Palace 0
He's hit the woodwork! A normal night out in sunderland, to be fair

The only Premier League game of the weekend to finish goalless. Actually kicked off 3pm saturday and were still playing sunday morning without troubling the scorers.

Manchester Disunited 0 Liverpool 3
Two out of three penalties scored by Gerrard. Two out of three ain't bad.

Gerrard unlucky not to follow in footsteps of Jan Molby and score a hat-trick of penalties. Still time for a drink driving jail sentence tho..

Things are getting so bad for Manchester United, rumours are that the Glazers will sell to Vincent Tann and change to a blue kit

After 2-2 draw with Fulham on 9th Feb, Moyes said that was as bad as it gets. He was wrong... Olympiakos and then Liverpool.

Rooney said defeat at home to Liverpool one of his worst days in football. Well, second only to signing that new contract maybe..

Liverpool normally rely on the SAS to get the goals. Today they stepped up/on the GAS.
United were in reverse and showing a bad SAG.

Who'd have thought when the Grumpy Old Scot left, United would fall apart. They need to sign Troy or Dynamo, to bring back the magic.

NORTH LONDON DERBY
Tottenham 0 Arsenal 1
I think spurs are missing the 'el' inbetween the hp on their shirts

I heard Theo has taken an extra big wallet today to catch all the coins.

On the plus side for spurs if they keep 75% possession for rest of game they can restrict arsenal to 1-0

BREAKING NEWS: Jermain Defoe has scored twice on his debut in the North Canadian Derby.

Rosicky always scores on the big occasions.  
Fa cup 3rd round v spurs. 5th rd v Orient at Brisbane Road

Tim Sherwood's been a manager for 5 minutes, already showing the anger management issues of Alan Pardew. Fast learner.

Tim should be careful though, throwing balls at players. He hasn't got the security of an 8 year contract like Pardew  

Tottenham need another £100m rebuild in the summer. 
Gary Lineker better forget Sports Relief and start

Don't forget... You saw them first on twitter!










Saturday, 18 May 2013

The 2013 #Eurovision Song Contest - Hashtagging Highlights (Part 6)

congratulations to Bradford City 3-0 up and on their way to winning the song content

and now the opening ceremony by Danny Boyle. Minus Beckham, Bond and the Queen.

introduced by 'pietra merde' the swedish sarah silverman or is it tina fey...

Or lucy porter
or nina conti

'je ne sai qua pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa'

hare's running

01 #France its the french Lady Gaga aka Lady FraFra

Lithuania "I'm in love with you - because of my shoes" CATCHY

He has love and pain - in his shoes. Lithuania At least they're not on his shoulders.

Moldova Roll over.

Her dress is on fire! Is that advisable with a redhead? Moldova

04 entry 'Marry me' by Finland. Definitely not from Bruno Mars. Or any other mars bar.

04 finland - the blonde contest

04 Finland - Nice touch to get one of Britney Spears actual many wedding dresses via ebay

DING DONG 04 Finland KISS KISS BANG BANG.



05 - Bring on the bagpipes. Well that explains why Bonnie didn't use 'em


05 'heffer heffer heffer heffer heffer heffer chrissy waddle heffer heffer heffer

05 edited highlights 'mare qui qua loo equwhere la woo'


06 LOVE KILLS. But Keegan scores on the rebound. Oops sorry wrong punchline for wrong set-up. back to the drawing board

07 'Da spool da wool on ga na pa la eh boosa slimy stare down by ranna da saire' ITS A WINNER I THINK.



08 Solero solero cornetto magnum cornetto solero - ba ba ba ba - netto Lidl heavenly waitrose, beautiful people


08 'solero solero solero tis song makes no sense - solero solero i'll sing it anyway solero solero aren't i pretty hey'

09 Good to see Frankie Dettori keeping busy while he's banned from the racecourse

10 'Together Forever We Came Together As One. Bury Our Guns' No mention of the nuclear weapons. Or the Cold War

11 'do you know its time to let yourself go. We are glorious' confident these germans - no change there then

11 If win song contest 2013, next years event will be staged live at Wembley

12 "Whose the one thats starts a war?" - BUSH AND BLAIR

12 Where denim never went out of fashion (SPONSORED BY LONELY PLANET)







13 the Never wins. nederlllllllllaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnzzzzzzzzzzzzzz copyright Dom Joly

13 Pippa Middletons let herself go a bit since the #royalwedding



13 how many names do they want.

14 ITS RYLAN

15 BONNIE TYLER!!!!!! I bet its a heartbreak.

15 BONNIE TYLER - BELIEVE IN ME - IT WASN'T ME - SHAGGY.





15 GO BONNY TYLER - I hope we told Europe that this is Baby Spices mum

15 ROD STEWART'S LET HIMSELF GO A BIT

16 Its Justin Malmo If you could see me now.. i just got back from the dry cleaners my whites have never been so white



17 I"M BLOODY STARVING

18 last won in 2000 with the Olsen brothers. DId they have a sex change after their movie career faltered?

18 its the blonde contest part 8

18 its the girl from twilight. or vampire game of thrones or something like that.




18 How many times can we win or lose? CHECK THE LEAGUE TABLE

19 eg afram ki wo ga wof frusismendai yellow leaf yeggow leaf make s weef eg bin pooooooofff we yegga leaf

19 KERRY KATONA'S LET HERSEF GO. or is it Stacey Solomon, I can't keep up.

19 yellow teeth yellow teeth yellow teeth yellow teeth yellow teeth yellow teeth yellow teeth

20 OVERLOAD OVERLOAD DOWNLOAD ocean finance smile bank give me love if its only a moment in time three rylans on my

20 'remember how we used to laugh - we thought they'd never end or summit

21 Alcohol is free. but not in Sweden £7 a pint and that was in 2003 when i was last there. roulette tables in nightclubs

21 alcohol is free. hayla naquila hayla naquila hayla. dum di dum di dum dum di dum. polla polla polla olla olla olla!







22 I WAS ABOUT TO SING THIS SONG BUT THEN I GOT HIGH THEN I GOT HIGH THEN I GOT HIGH...

23 benny benny

23 soostrenio cornettto give it to me - delicious ice cream just 25p. per apprezzze sylvio berlusque-sconi schoochi coo

24 NO WAY CAN NORWAY WIN.

24 The blonde contest. Christina Aguelero when she was thin.

24 i like the sideways look to camera. She's been watching

24 'I feed you my love' ON A DRIP

24 I FEED YOU MY LOVE - IM NOT HUNGRY!

25 WATERFALL 'we didn't waste the water it was always turning, but we stopped a fire' always look on the bright side..

26 to be sure to be sure Its Rylan O'Ireland

26 Well anything is better than Jedward. Although I preferred Dustin the turkey.

26 THEY THINK ITS ALL OVER. IT IS NOW

RETWEET FOR Jean-Paul. FAVOURITE for John-Paul lets decide this thing ONCE AND FOR ALL

SOLERO SOLERO SOLERO gets my vote based on the amount of retweets.

Come on JONNY TYLER entry

can we vote for this one? Its catchy. THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL loser standing sore.

uk voted 12 points for denmark because they have a red and white flag like us (reversed) heavy vote

8 points? SAY WE ARE GOING UP SAY WE ARE GOING UP!

Igor in the green room speaks in thats the job i want bbc #hashtagepic

oooooooooonderbar

its raining in germany. every cloud an' all that

12 points to Hungary? I'M BLOODY STARVING!

hor' hor' hor'

i love the way europeans say uh-kraine. or is it oooh-kraine

SEVEN POINTS FROM TO ! well we did bail them out of the euro


la swed dee pwai


le-kraine, they're feminine now

frasier krane, they're neurotic now #eurovision

wee pwai

have won. NOW SHARE THE BLOODY CARLSBERG!

Jonnie Tyler finished 19th. Thanks Europe. Swivelled eye loons. The lot of ya.






82 tweets! Signing out for now. Pictures later!
PS If they're not reading as funny, try reading them in a sarcastic voice. It helps.